Some memories as of late...

Ice cream with Philip at McDonald's, just with Mommy.

Two trips to McDonald's JUST for a few Wizard of Oz toys..a little bit too obsessed, maybe?

Playing and singing "Friends" with our song leader, Diane, for offertory last Sunday.

Two days in a row staying up until midnight, watching Blood Diamond completely two nights in a row. A VERY good movie, in my opinion. Rich says I probably like it because of my anthropology background. True!

Getting back on track with my medicine so I can be myself.

Spending lots of time with my wonderful children outside.

Having a little girl who loves no matter what.

Having a sweet little boy who loves to repeat his sentences over and over again.

My grandparents spent beautiful moments and hours with their great grandchildren this week...grandma even gave them a bath Sunday night.

We went to our first small group from church at a wonderful couple's house, and had a very nice time. Can't wait for next week's get together!

A few new tops courtesy of my mom and dad, from Cato's.

Watching the Wizard of Oz with Ella.

Buddy's playing his harmonica so well this week!

My Favorite

Honestly, I have had a couple of tough emotional days, so this is the best I can do and something that will lift me up. I will probably write some information about Rich and I's busy weekend, but here is the most favorite photograph of my collection so far. It's from Easter last year. I need prayer that I can find the actual CD I saved this on, as well as the other Easter pics. I am frantic..looking everywhere twice!

Ella and her "boyfriend," Alex, Easter Morning 2006

baby girl autumn at 6 months

A photo from Monday at my friend Katie's. She is so adorable..the only bad thing was that when we got there, Philip was so clingy and truly upset!

connections

Some days, I feel so disconnected to people. Those days are highlighted by the mental fog and fatigue from fibromyalgia and depression, and body pain...like last week, and tonight. It's a terrible feeling, and I don't know if since I had lots of companionship/friends in the past, it has been taken away the last year for a reason God is not telling me yet! I have been dedicating myself to reading the Bible every day without fail. I was challenged by a Christian speaker, to do so, and also, I really do feel lonely. It is a help, but that loneliness is still there. I am working on it though.

Every day, I feel lonely (I accidentaly wrote looney and had to rewrite that, but I do feel looney, too!). The frustration behind this feeling is great, and creates doubt, and sends me in a never ending cycle. I am very thankful for my mom and dad (who will be reading this, too, of course) for praying for me every day and have the wonderful ear of listening to me every day at perhaps odd moments of their workday. I don't know what I'd do without them.

I do wish my connections were better. Sometimes, I feel it's me. My inability to just be the super mom. And more than that, that my depression and fibromyalgia scares people off. It can be more than I can bear.

But then, I realize, that I can truly understand others who feel lonely, too. And be completely thankful for a friend reaching out to me...my friend, Amy Brungard, from church, called me last week to see if I would take photographs of her foster children (which I've done before) and the siblings of the one. I said, Sure! She told me she'd have lunch for me, too. So, Saturday, I spent four hours at her house in fellowship and doing something I love...taking pictures of children. I was so attracted to their eyes, especially the ones of the two little girls. I can't post these pictures, of course, but there is one I want to describe to you. As the two little girls were sitting on the couch,their beautifully braided hair side by side, and arms around each other, I went around to the back, and took several of them sitting there together. No faces, just the backs. Their arms together in a sweetness of friendship and sisterhood. Their hair so exquisite, even with a few stray hairs here and there. Little flowers invested themselves within the crests of the braids. Just beautiful. My heart ached, however, knowing that they have had a difficult life, but are now in a loving home.

It's in doing things for people, I find myself finding more joy than when people do something for me. I believe that is how God made it to be, but sometimes, that loneliness brings me down. Not always, but sometimes. At that time, it is a greater thing to reach out, than to be dwelling on yourself.

I have to mention that the Brungards are the only people whom I know that have an entire road named after them. It's probably 4 street blocks long at least. A family heritage piece for sure!

As long as I am mentioning some additional things, music night went well. I am so impressed at the dedication of people to attend something like this and of those musicians that were involved in creating a wonderful evening of music. I saved the Pastor for last, as it well may be his last music night ever at our church, since his retirement is soon to come in May. My husband was a great help, and spoke several times during the service, bringing the songs and people together.

I have been very sorrowful that my little boy is turning two years old soon.

I am excited that Ella is turning four.

My grandfather is in a skilled nursing facility at the moment, in Salem. I need to visit him but finding the chance has been difficult. He is very weak and discouraged.

Yesterday, during the day, I felt mentally clear so I rid up clutter, ALL of it, in the kitchen. It was a proud moment for me when my husband noticed. He's been wanting this to happen for awhile, but circumstances for me hinder it. He understood that of course, but was delighted anyways!

Entertainment Contemplation

Sometimes, I have checked myself on what shows I watch on T.V. For instance, I used to really like ER and CSI. However, since children, I have not kept on with these for several reasons. I dislike the themes in ER and the in-depth and detailed scenes in CSI really bother me. That's not to say I don't watch them, just not frequently like I used to. And, I think that is okay. Maybe. Maybe I should NOT watch them. I am getting tired of what is on television. There are a couple of other shows that I am a little bit into but probably shouldn't be. Just this week, I realized that when I have summarized in my head what goes on in these shows, and movies, too, it makes it raw and real. I just don't like the facts anymore, and I don't think it would be pleasing to Him. I have had a hard time figuring out what is good entertainment. What should we be entertained with? I am not sure, but I honestly have a hard time with letting myself be entertained, or having fun sometimes. Just thinking out loud here!

A story in remembrance of Grandma (written a year ago)

Blessing by the CemeteryBy Amy Russell
I never expected that visiting my grandmother's gravesite would become one of the most blessed moments I have being a mother. Two weeks prior, family and friends had gathered to celebrate the life of my grandmother. She had lived a humble and selfless life through serving others rather than herself. The days after her death would be challenging for me- she was the first grandparent of mine to pass away. The knowledge that she walks with Jesus was comforting. However, I needed to see her grave and was anxiously planning that day.
As I set a schedule for going to the cemetery, I would have my husband stay home with our ten month old baby boy. Ella and I would first go see her friends. Then, to the gravesite. That morning as we prepared for our outing, conversation held instruction on being respectful and quiet. Ella, being almost three, was not a quiet, or still, little girl. I admit I wondered why I thought taking her would be the best thing to do, being I knew her energetic personality, but something, or Someone, within me told me to press on with this bright little girl.
So off I went with a small chatterbox in the back seat who anxiously awaited spending time with her friends from church. I kept sneaking glances at her through the mirror and prayed for the next few hours to go smoothly.
And they did...more than I had ever expected. The time at the playground was spent without any timeouts, bumps, or bruises. This was almost nothing short of a miracle in my book.
As we drove away from the playground my heart began to pound. In just minutes we would be standing beside my grandmother's tiny grave. It was almost more than I could bear. After parking the car inside the cemetery, Ella and I walked hand in hand to the place I knew my tears would finally burst. I knelt as I told Ella that Great Grandma was in heaven at that moment. My little girl chose that moment to look up into the sky. And so I did, too, and we took in the clear blue sky. "Up there?" her voice inquired with a whisper. "Yes, Sweetie. We came here to remember her in a very special way," I told her. Ella turned her head towards mine. "Mommy?" She placed her petite hands on the sides of my face. "Don't cry Momma. It's okay." Then, she rested her head on my shoulder and wrapped her arm around my neck. "I wuv you, Momma." Her whispered words of encouragement and love lightened my heart. I breathed the scent of her hair and felt the warmth of her body. I don't know if Ella will ever know what those innocent tender words did for me. I knew God had planned this moment for my daughter and I to experience Him, and Him alone. Even more, He used my spirited almost three year old to minister to me, her own mother. The result was a woman who felt like she accomplished one of her goals in life- being a positive influence on her child so she would show sensitivity and compasssion towards other people. Ella did that, for me, and I felt fully refreshed to live my life so she could see Jesus in return.
I hope my grandmother was able to see or hear those few moments in the cemetery. If she had, I know she smiled and gave one of her famous giggles.

A Record Blogging Day

I might as well continue to do at least one more blog. This blogging today has kept me together, really. I have lost it several times today, just getting through the day. Ella stayed home from school as she complained about a stomach ache. The two kiddos have been relentlessly needing me and touching me.

It is time for my yearly get away. Last year, my darling husband dropped me off to the Dutch Inn after the kids' combined birthday party (so it really IS getting close to that time). I stayed in a suite, and had strawberry pie from the Dutch House, and just had a wonderful time reading novels, etc. I sure hope once the tax refund comes I can do this again. Money well spent, although this time I'd probably not get a suite!!

I am praying my DARLING husband reads this....and gets the hint!

I'm trying to figure this out..

I think this is what I'll do, with occassional specials.

Option #1: Session fee of $50, includes time, one hour photoshoot, and post processing your digital pics, and online proof gallery.Print costs (all luster coated, 8x10 and up on matt board for strength)
8 wallets $10
4x6 $5
5x7 $10
8x10 $20
11x14 $35
16x20 $45
Storyboards begin at $35

I am excited about something I was asked to do on Saturday. My friend at church became a foster parent awhile back. I took pictures of their little boy at that time, just as a gift for them, and then of the next boy they had to add to their foster family. Well, she asked me to take pictures of their first foster child's siblings! The foster parent that has the siblings saw her pictures, and wanted some too. I was honored. Also, my friend now has a newborn baby to take care of too. It'll be a busy afternoon, but such a wonderful experience. This is for their eyes only...no portfolio building for me from the foster children, and that's alright. I am just happy to provide some pictures of their children as they have them, whatever period of time that may be!

Piggy

What a picture can do for a mom..bring her joy in a low moment!

Where would Jesus go

If he were here today for a visit. I don't think we can assume we really would completely know the answer to that. I would think he'd go where the needy and sinners are. I believe that is, well, everywhere. In your own home, there are people lost. In your church, there are people lost. In your town, on your block, everywhere you go. Jesus did more than what was written in the gospels, and where he did go, and the people with whom he ministered too is vast and complext. Tax collectors, prostitutes, children, the sick...the list goes on. Do we do the same? I think we are called where God leads us. You can't say that as the body of Christ that we all have the same gifts, or leading...except for the one to love one another, and go to the end of the earth. A true, faithful pastor wants sinners at his church. A true, faithful Christian wants to reach the sinners, as well. I believe that there are many avenues to do this. It doesn't have to be at church, it shouldn't be just at church. I believe church should teach that and some actually do. We need to be showing God's love throughout the week, in the workplace, around our neighborhood. Not everyone will be called to meet people where they are in the slums. There are those who willingly do that, and by doing so, they can send a fresh wind of faith to us at church. It is tough to realize that in many religions church is just a place to meet. To use rituals as tools in their walk of faith. That is a fact. But, there are people who joyfully attend to serve the Lord where they are called. I don't believe one place is more or less important. We should not judge others by where they minister. It's between God and the individual. I believe someday that God will call us to the Salvation Army church. Rich and I have felt that tug for awhile, since we've moved to Salem. We search with prayer and petition for the next move. It's a breaking out of the norm for a church, but where He leads you should go.

Two books to read if you want some eye openers: Jim Cymbala's book (Fresh Wind, Fresh Fire) about the beginnings of the Brooklyn Tab. Church and a novel by Angela Hunt, called The Debt.

These days

have just been plain tough. It's mind over matter. The body I have just isn't function very well for me, and it is hard just to get lunch for the kids. I had a great, feel good day Monday. I felt normal, no fibromyalgia problems, but since Tuesday, it went downhill.

However, I am glad I pushed myself out to praise band practice last night. I never go, really. So imagine the suprise! The kids went to my parents and had a great time. I had about 15 minutes just to play anything I wanted with no one around, and played some Easter hymns. I love both hymns and choruses, but probably hymns more. Then, we finally had practice. We had lots to go over, some stuff for the music night Sunday, and then for the R.O.C.K. program we'll be playing for next Saturday. R.O.C.K. stands for Reaching Our Community Kids. This is a prayer vigil/service for the kids in the community that are hooked on drugs, selling them, etc. Usually they have members from Teen Challenge, a tough drug rehab program, talk to. What powerful testimonies. POWERFUL! They came to our church several weeks ago, like they do periodically, and it's power of the blood in the purest form. WOW.

I have been researching things about LDS and Mormons recently, because many of the photographers' blogs I see hint to those religions. I've read an entire book of cults before, and they were included in that cluster, but it's interesting to see what the deep down differences between us as Christians and their take on Jesus and eternity. Very interesting. I feel it's good to be prepared to know what you believe and have an idea of what others believe to. I know least about Catholicism, but I hope to have a grip on that someday. I worked with Muslims in Tennessee, so I have a grip on that, too. It's nice to work my SAHM brain once in awhile!

One year ago

My grandmother Duvall passed to eternity. We miss her!

Today, I found out that my grandpa Duvall is in the hospital, perhaps a heart issue, but maybe more stress.

Please keep the family in your prayers.

This may seem silly to some but..

God blessed my ebay items and ALL 3 sold. I am so delighted. I prayed about this, because I was so frustrated. The thing is, nothing was bid on until today, AND, 2 items weren't bid upon until the last 2 minutes! Talk about holding on to faith!

This money helps with somethings I needed for Ella's upcoming party. Whew! It is a blessing!

I need some help...

I am going to raise my prices for doing photography, probably at the beginning of summer. I feel like now is the time to do that and the advertise, get my official license, etc.

If you think option one or two is better, please leave a comment!!!

Due to demographics, I am not going to go beyond $100 for a session fee. I have researched and MANY photographers do go beyond that, but I don't think that would do well here.

Option #1: Session fee of $50, includes time, one hour photoshoot, and post processing your digital pics, and online proof gallery.
Print costs (all luster coated, 8x10 and up on matt board for strength)
8 wallets $10
4x6 $8
5x7 $12
8x10 $20
11x14 $28
16x20 $35
Storyboards begin at $35

or

Option #2 $65 includes time, one hour photoshoot, time in digital darkroom, and online photo gallery
Prints:
8 Wallets $12
4x6 $10
5x7 $15
8x10 $22
11x14 $30
16x20 $38
Storyboards begin at $35

I am setting my sights high because of the type of photography I do, so these prices show something a bit different. I need to set my prices higher to begin with, because I don't want to be constantly raising them every year. I plan on advertising very well, and I have more confidence in my work now. So, if anyone has an opinion, please let me know.

Someone in Salem has session fees for $35, and sells a sheet of pics, varying in size) fo $7 each. There is no mention for sizes above 11x14's, either. BUT, I think she does those sheets herself, not from a professional photographer printing service. Also, she has a different style, too.

He's a celebrity!

This morning we had the pleasure of listening to thewatkinsfamily at our church for the morning service. They had been to our church last year, and frankly, I think I missed it! So did Rich. Anyways, they are a gospel/bluegrass group, and lucky for us, we got to do the offertory before they performed. We did Nothing But the Blood, with Rich on the harmonica, and me just on piano. Well, halfway during the band's concert, they asked for the harmonica player to come up! I was probably more excited than Rich, I think! You could here the pleasure from our congregation as Rich walked up, nervously, I may add, to play something he never practiced before! But, like someone said later, musicians know musicians..They knew he could do it. So, along with the guitar, bass, and banjo, he played a wonderful harmonica! I was so completely proud. Rich even got a standing ovation from everyone!

They want to keep in touch, and may have some good input on this one guitar Rich has. It's a very old one of his grandfather's, that if he would put the money into to fix up, he could make good money from it. Anyways, the one guy may just buy it from him, run down as it is. Who knows.

The leader, or father of the group, talked to me about just encouraging your children with music. While we discussed that, he mentioned that only after 2 weeks of knowing each other, he and his wife got married. Wow! And after all these years (they have grown children, probably in their 30s?), they are still praising the Lord! What a testimony!

After church, we suprised Rich's sister, along with the rest of the family, with a "non-shower shower." She didn't want one, but we snuck in gifts, disguising the party as a birthday part for Rich's mom, and she WAS pleasantly suprised. Only 2 more weeks or so, and a beautiful little girl will join Aunt Christa, Uncle Joe, and big brother Jake! Yeah! Now, Ella and Sydney won't be so outnumbered with Jared, Jake, Noah, and Philip~ heehee!

Facing the Giants

This is a great movie...we haven't finished it all, but it has turned on the water works. I was supposed to have gone to the church movie night, at our church, to see it, but, we ended up not going. Things happen for a reason, and I know that I was supposed to have watched it tonight. I've had a very emotional day, with doubt, physical weariness, and failure, by my side. I have cried even more while watching this movie, as certain things are said or read from the Bible that are healing the pain in my heart, and the doubt over certain issues.

Philip and Daddy

As you can see, I kept my promise to Philip. He is such a special person in my heart....there is definitely a special, SPECIAL bond between a mother and her little boy. And, as the photographs portray, another special, but different love, between a father and his son.

A nights rest

made me realize I wish to totally pursue my photography, and I will search my heart and His will to see if that is what is to happen this spring and summer, and following. I really don't know how I'd have a sitter consitently for 3-4 days a week, all day. Just not possible. I will have to be content in what we can do in the summer..we have learned how to "not have" since we bought this house, and especially since we have had 2 children. Anyways, I feel better letting that other job go and seeing what is possible for the future with photography.

My doctor increased some medication for me last week and I feel much "brighter." And that will help me along to make decisions and think clearly about relationships, my children, and my desires in photography.

It is a beautiful day here and I am glad to share the sunshine with my two wonderful kids here at home!

A book I wish to read soon

As I traveled to Boardman to have lunch with Beth and Kimmy, I listened to Moody's Midday Connection. They briefly mentioned a book called Amusing Ourselves to Death as the newest Book Club Book. I am very VERY interested in reading this. My husband said he'd probably agree to mostly everything it says. I like books investigating our culture, and breaking it down. I learned to be thoroughly interested in that in my journalism classes in college. I love to de-layer everything about the media, communication, cultural, etc. Anyways, I'll have to call some libraries and find it.

Lunch was wonderful, and a true blessing. I hope that I can do that again with these two friends soon.

I am debating whether or not to apply for a part time job. We'd really would "appreciate" some extra income for 1. my photography pursuits and 2. for things we need to do for the house this summer and the following couple years. I found a job that could work, but I need to figure out sitting for the kids, and someone that can take Ella to school. I could work in the summer, when my parents are off work, but between then and now it'd be tough. Still, don't know if I want to do that work, or just throw myself into my photography and advertise for all children photography (my passion). I guess I need to PRAY!

Birthday Parties and other dilemmas!

This year I am NOT having big party, combined for Buddy and Ella, like last year. It's tough but I am trying to be firm on this decision.

I will have a "beauty parlor" theme for Ella's party next month. JUST girls. ONLY girls. And, I have a huge dilema with church guests. I think I will invite ONE girl secretly and that's it. Otherwise, well..you'd have me in distress because MANY kids and babies being there. We're talking over a dozen kids and then their moms, too, and younger siblings...AGHHHH! Last year, it was close to 40 people, I think!

So, tops of 4 girls from school, one from church, 2 cousins...I think that is it. I am not even inviting the neighbor! I feel bad, but I don't want to be overwhelmed!

Also, a couple of friends with baby girls, and one friend that you just can't have NOT there! :-)

I am not having a party for Philip, just celebrating quietly with family. He won't care a bit!

I am so tempted to not follow through with this plan...please keep me accountable people! HA!

And here are some favor and activity ideas, just so I don't forget them. Lip gloss (already MADE by my sister in law Lisa), Hello Kitty gel pens, HK stickers, HK hairclips...I would like to find sticker earrings and some more hair pretties to use for the beauty parlor theme. And small mirrors, and a big mirror. I think my sister in law Jessica will provide simple Mary Kay samples to use. OH , and nail polish! Can't forget that! They do have teeny tiny bottles available around here.

Food? Hmmm....probably pizza and then some fruit, and then a simple pretty cake. I am not doing bumble bee cupcakes and a monkey shaped cake like last year. I did have fun doing that, but it's a lot of work!

My other problem...I was disappointed by feebay this time around. I relisted, so I am praying that it works this time around. It's very disappointing when you just don't make out. Thus, "feebay."