Some days, I feel so disconnected to people. Those days are highlighted by the mental fog and fatigue from fibromyalgia and depression, and body pain...like last week, and tonight. It's a terrible feeling, and I don't know if since I had lots of companionship/friends in the past, it has been taken away the last year for a reason God is not telling me yet! I have been dedicating myself to reading the Bible every day without fail. I was challenged by a Christian speaker, to do so, and also, I really do feel lonely. It is a help, but that loneliness is still there. I am working on it though.
Every day, I feel lonely (I accidentaly wrote looney and had to rewrite that, but I do feel looney, too!). The frustration behind this feeling is great, and creates doubt, and sends me in a never ending cycle. I am very thankful for my mom and dad (who will be reading this, too, of course) for praying for me every day and have the wonderful ear of listening to me every day at perhaps odd moments of their workday. I don't know what I'd do without them.
I do wish my connections were better. Sometimes, I feel it's me. My inability to just be the super mom. And more than that, that my depression and fibromyalgia scares people off. It can be more than I can bear.
But then, I realize, that I can truly understand others who feel lonely, too. And be completely thankful for a friend reaching out to me...my friend, Amy Brungard, from church, called me last week to see if I would take photographs of her foster children (which I've done before) and the siblings of the one. I said, Sure! She told me she'd have lunch for me, too. So, Saturday, I spent four hours at her house in fellowship and doing something I love...taking pictures of children. I was so attracted to their eyes, especially the ones of the two little girls. I can't post these pictures, of course, but there is one I want to describe to you. As the two little girls were sitting on the couch,their beautifully braided hair side by side, and arms around each other, I went around to the back, and took several of them sitting there together. No faces, just the backs. Their arms together in a sweetness of friendship and sisterhood. Their hair so exquisite, even with a few stray hairs here and there. Little flowers invested themselves within the crests of the braids. Just beautiful. My heart ached, however, knowing that they have had a difficult life, but are now in a loving home.
It's in doing things for people, I find myself finding more joy than when people do something for me. I believe that is how God made it to be, but sometimes, that loneliness brings me down. Not always, but sometimes. At that time, it is a greater thing to reach out, than to be dwelling on yourself.
I have to mention that the Brungards are the only people whom I know that have an entire road named after them. It's probably 4 street blocks long at least. A family heritage piece for sure!
As long as I am mentioning some additional things, music night went well. I am so impressed at the dedication of people to attend something like this and of those musicians that were involved in creating a wonderful evening of music. I saved the Pastor for last, as it well may be his last music night ever at our church, since his retirement is soon to come in May. My husband was a great help, and spoke several times during the service, bringing the songs and people together.
I have been very sorrowful that my little boy is turning two years old soon.
I am excited that Ella is turning four.
My grandfather is in a skilled nursing facility at the moment, in Salem. I need to visit him but finding the chance has been difficult. He is very weak and discouraged.
Yesterday, during the day, I felt mentally clear so I rid up clutter, ALL of it, in the kitchen. It was a proud moment for me when my husband noticed. He's been wanting this to happen for awhile, but circumstances for me hinder it. He understood that of course, but was delighted anyways!
